on the edge waiting to fall

tipping between parts of myself

So I have this friend she goes by Ella in my other stories, I feel very back and forth with her. when I'm with her my head looks like fields of flowers I am living. But when I'm not with her I don't know who takes over but I become this critical jealous person. I have admitted feelings for her before she claimed to have the same feelings. we planed a date and then she got admitted to the mental hospital and everything changed since she has been back she has had lots of catching up to do with friends which I understood but now she hangs out with about everyone but me. she says we need to re-plan out date but then she continues to do things with other guys. side note she isn't concrete on her sexuality yet so that makes my situation much more difficult because I have figured out what I like already.

So when I with this girl my world feels at peace because I know it's right but then as soon as she leaves she forgets all the things we have shared, my first kiss, and many, many after that. she continues to talk to other guys. She had admitted to needing male validation in her life. I guess I thought somehow I filled that gap. in the end it feels a lot like she wants to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend at the same time without any consequences. So I just sit waiting for her. waiting for myself to either get her or the courage to walk away.