Photo by Jakub Sofranko on Unsplash

Numb, or something like that

it's all starting to blend together the days are all the same. Sundays are the worst because that's when the cycle starts over. Mondays or Tuesdays they all mean the same things, wake up with the same stale taste in my mouth. stare into a stupid box that entertained me until someone makes me move. might eat something might not it really depends if I remember because I forget quite often I fill the hunger with meaningless “meals” some weird food I have in my room. the last time I was really here I was alone. I was in my car, music blasting. I felt like I was in a movie. the song electric love played through the speakers I cried that day. not exactly sure why. I just felt real. I wasn't just a piece in an equation.

my friends have stopped actually caring and so have I. I don't text anyone and no one texts me if I don't text them I guess that's how you can tell who really cares. unless all of your friends are mentally ill like mine. we all would straight up die for each other but we don't put energy in if the other doesn't. you might think that's sad but I've come to terms with it. At least I think I have not really sure of anything.

the overwhelming feelings all at once have created this overall flatlined feeling of nothing. nothing is worth it. I don't feel any significance at all. I'm not exactly suicidal at least that's what my therapist says but I become more and more comfortable with the feeling of death. I have these weird moments where I am planning my death and then the next morning I act as I didn't just shread my arms to pieces. I don't even know what is going on anymore.

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